he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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