I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
