I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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