Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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