i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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