you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
