apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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