Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
