So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize