i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize