I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
