everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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