Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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