guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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