i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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