Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize