hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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