If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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