i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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