Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
it's like heaven, but drunker
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
