NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
