I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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