Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
