May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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