Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize