The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
