I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
