Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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