using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
