I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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