He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
