she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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