The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
