We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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