just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
