Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
