During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
