Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
