Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
