so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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