Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
