He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
