Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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