I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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