one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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