So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
