It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
