We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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