Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
