A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
