Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize