By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize