I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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