dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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