So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize