He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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