My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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