I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
